Chapter 42

Brianna lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. It was after midnight, but she couldn't sleep. It had been an uncomfortable afternoon and evening. The way Dorothea kept looking at her, she was sure she knew something had happened between her and Jon, but she'd avoided being alone with Jon, so she hadn't had the opportunity to ask him - not that she would anyway.

Sighing, she threw back the covers and got up. She wandered downstairs and found herself gravitating towards the living room and its wall of windows. On impulse, she opened the French doors - remembering at the last minute to punch the code in the panel off to the side to avoid setting off the alarm- and wandered around the back yard lit only by moonlight. It felt.....liberating....to be able to walk outside in a nightgown and not worry about someone seeing you. Another point for a private estate. Finally, she settled on a bench facing the river. Closing her eyes, she listened to the night sounds and the gurgling of the Navesink and tried to relax and find some mental peace.

Jon rose from his chair in the living room and walked into the kitchen where he pulled a second glass out of the cupboard and another bottle of wine out of the fridge. Making quick work of the cork, he tossed it into the garbage, picked up the bottle and glasses and followed Brianna outside.

He stood for long moments behind the bench watching her, debating. But fighting her magnetic pull was like banging his head against a brick wall - it felt so good when he stopped. "Can't sleep?"

Brianna jerked, her eyes flying open. "Oh! Yeah, I mean, no, I can't. Still on vampire hours, I guess."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Gesturing as if to ask permission, he waited for her nod before sitting down beside her. Handing her a glass, he filled it and his own and set the bottle on the ground beside the bench. "I know what you mean. It always takes me a few days to get my sleep schedule straightened out."

They sat and sipped in silence for several minutes.

Finally, Jon took the bull by the horns and confronted the elephant in the room...so to speak. "I think we need to talk about our....situation, don't you?"

Brianna sighed. "Yes, I guess, but I have no idea where to start or what to say." She sipped, gathering her courage for this conversation - and to find out the answer to the question that had been nagging her all day. "Does Dot know?"

He considered his wife's strange looks and words earlier. "Not from me, but she may suspect." He cleared his throat. "I'd rather she not know for sure." Realizing how that might make her feel, he started to stammer. "Not that you...that I......I don't regret..."

She waved his stuttering explanation aside. "No, I agree. Despite what she's said, it would only hurt her."

He blew out a relieved breath. He didn't want to hurt Bri either. "Yeah."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. This time it was Brianna who broke it. "So....what are we going to do? Try harder to not let it happen again? Avoid each other as much as possible?" She paused. "I thought about quitting."

Jon frowned. "No! I don't want that. We....I need you." He snorted as a thought occurred to him. "And the guys - and especially Paul - would rather castrate me than see you leave."

"I don't want to leave either. I really love the job, but..."

"But we seem to have a problem controlling ourselves?" He asked wryly. "I know. But, Bri.....we need to figure out a way to deal with this." He watched his fingers trace his glass over and over while he searched for the right words. "I....you've been my anchor through all of this. You've gone above and beyond what anyone had a right to ask of you." He turned his head to look at her. "I know I have no right, but I'm going to ask for more. I need to know you'll be there through....what's still to come. I need that anchor to help me cope - and help me help my kids to cope - with losing Dot. I...." He swallowed heavily and his voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "I don't think I can do it on my own."

Tears burned Brianna's eyes and her hand reached out to clasp his. "I'll do whatever I can to help."

His hand squeezed hers. "Thank you."

After a few moments silence, Jon released her hand, picked up the bottle of wine and refilled their glasses.

Brianna sighed. "So...what are we going to do about our.....lapses in judgement?"

"Is that what you think they were?"

"Yes. Don't you?"

He shrugged. "Maybe partly. Mostly, I think....we're two healthy adults who obviously are attracted to each other....and who spend a lot of time together....and are dealing with a lot of stress and emotional upheaval."

"So...you needed comfort and to scratch an itch...and I was handy?" Why are you sounding so snarky? Did you think he actually had feelings for you? "Sorry. I have no right..."

"No! That's not what I meant!" Jon raked a hand though his hair. This is why he didn't want to have this conversation. "And you have every right. Look. Of course I have feelings for you. I don't sleep with women just to get laid." She raised her eyebrow at him and he laughed under his breath at her skeptical look. "Not anymore at least. I've grown up. I finally realized the physical release is nothing without some feelings involved." He tried to read her expression in the dim light. "Do you have feelings for me?"

"You're my boss and you're married. Having romantic feelings for you is wrong." She stared towards the river. "Morally and ethically wrong." But that doesn’t seem to stop them.

"I understand why you feel that way, but you didn’t answer the question."

"Please don't say it's not cheating if your wife is okay with it. If you believed that you wouldn't be worried about hurting her by telling her."

"I'd say she's a little more than okay with it and that's not what I was going to say.” He paused to collect his thoughts. “Look, I don't know what this is between us, and maybe it's not morally right, but..." He blew out a breath. "If it gives us comfort in the middle of all this pain and loss....and isn't hurting anyone....is it really wrong?"

She scrubbed a hand over her forehead. "I...I just don't know. It goes against everything I thought I stood for. I feel so awful...after."

Jon decided to try a different tact. "Didn't you and your husband or a boyfriend ever have a 'free pass' list?"

Brianna snorted. "My husband wasn't all that concerned about fidelity, especially his.” Her lips twisted. “Mine was expected. But an old boyfriend in college and I used to joke about one. Taylor Dayne was on his list." She smirked. "You were on mine."

He grinned. "Well, there you go. You're not cheating on anyone and Dot has given us a free pass with each other." When she grimaced, he continued. "I'm not saying we shack up together and go at it like bunnies for days on end. I'm just saying if our emotions and....needs....overwhelm us again, we accept it and not beat ourselves up about it." He reached out to squeeze her hand again. "No guilt trips. Okay?"

She stared at him for a long minute, her mind swirling. He's giving us a reasonable excuse. And he's right about no one really getting hurt.....except me if my feelings go too deep. Besides, I obviously have no will power where he's concerned. Sighing, she nodded. "But not in this house."

"Not in this house." He agreed. He reached down for the bottle and refilled their glasses again.

They sat companionably, sipping and enjoying the night.

“You still didn’t answer my question, you know,” were the only other words that passed between them.

Above and behind them, the French doors on the balcony closed quietly, and Dorothea shuffled back to the bed, a satisfied smile curving her lips. She couldn't hear their conversation, but body language told her whatever they were discussing was very serious and they were in disagreement. She was happy to see that Jon was talking to Brianna and not dictating. That bode well for their future happiness.

Lying back on her pillows, she adjusted the oxygen hose under her nose. It had been obvious all day that something was bothering Brianna, and it had something to do with Jon. Maybe now that they'd sorted it out, the tension would be gone and she could regain Brianna's attention. She still had much to teach her, and she had a feeling her time was running short.