Chapter 21

Christmas Day dawned cold but sunny for the residents of the mansion by the Navesink. Jon was the first one up – not an unusual occurrence these days as he wasn’t sleeping much. Mostly, he laid and watched his wife sleep. It was only there, in the darkest part of the night, alone in the silent house, that he could admit his deepest fear even to himself – that he needed to store up as many mental pictures and memories as he could before their time together ran out.

Calloused fingertips lightly traced the familiar cheek, careful not to wake her. For years he’d taken it for granted that she’d always be there....beside him....sharing his bed...his life until they were both old and grey. He never dreamed that it could be any other way. Now he was being forced to face that possibility.

He rubbed suddenly stinging eyes and blew out a long breath. She’d been a part of his life for so long, he couldn’t imagine her not being there. So he refused to accept that outcome.

Rolling onto his back, he stared at the ceiling and ignored the two tears that escaped his control and leaked out of the corners of his eyes. Despite his stubborn need to deny it, deep in his gut he had a horrible feeling their days together were numbered. He needed to store up memories while he could.

Even deeper in his gut, in a place he didn’t even want to acknowledge to himself, because he knew how horrible and selfish it was, he was secretly glad he was going on the road. He didn’t know if he could stand to watch the love of his life fade away before his eyes.

Pushing away the devastating thought, he turned once again to watch the strengthening light chase the shadows away, revealing her pale face, beautiful even with the new lines pain and stress had already carved. He didn’t see them. To him she was as beautiful as the day he met her. Please God don’t take her away from me! What would I – we – do without her?

As the sun rose higher, the sound of children stirring told him it was time to get up. Pulling himself together, he sighed and sat up.

“Kids are up already?”

He turned at the soft sound of her voice. “Yeah. I’ll go start breakfast. Take your time and come down when you’re ready.”

“Thanks.” Dorothea yawned and reached out to tug on his arm. “Hey you. Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What?”

A dark brow rose. “Uh.....Merry Christmas?”

“Oh.” Jon grimaced sheepishly. “Right. Sorry. Merry Christmas honey.” He bent to kiss her. Lifting his head just enough to see her eyes clearly, he stroked her cheek. “I love you.”

Dorothea blinked away tears. “I know. I love you too.”

The rest of the morning was taken up with the opening of presents – and cleaning up the mess afterwards. Dorothea, for the most part, sat and watched her children, soaking up every expression, every laugh, every squeal of surprise and delight.

“Mommy, you not opening you pesants.”

“I will Jakey,” she smiled down at her son. “I’m having too much fun watching you guys.”

“Watch me open dis one!”

She had to smile as he ripped paper with gusto.

“Woo woo! Look Mommy, it Thomas!” Without waiting for her response, Jake shoved paper out of the way so that he could run his new train over the floor – and anything else that got in his way, including Copper.

“Ow! Jake, watch it!” Jesse jerked his foot out of the way and rubbed his ankle where the engine had rammed it.

“Woo woo! Wook out, twain comin frew.”

Jesse just rolled his eyes at his mother. “Thanks for the game Mom. It’s great!” He raised the Madden NFL video game he’d gotten.

“You’re welcome.” Turning her head, Dorothea watched Romeo pulling paper off his new blocks....and tossing the blocks and playing with the paper. “Whatcha got there little man?”

Romeo held up a handful of paper and chortled. “Gah!”

The couch cushion beside her sank as Stephanie sat beside her. “Thanks for the earrings and the sweater Mom. I love them!” She leaned over to hug her.

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you like them.” Dorothea tucked a lock of hair behind her daughter’s ear.

“How are you feeling?”

“Not too bad. Still a little tired. But it’s getting better.” A lie to ease her daughter’s fears.

“Come on Mommy, open your presents!” Jon urged her.

“Okay, okay.” Obviously, he really wanted her to see what he’d got her. When she got to the brightly wrapped package with his name on it, she tore off the paper to reveal a digital camera.

“I thought we could start making our own family albums.” Jon explained.

Dorothea knew there was more to it than that and she was afraid the tears she’d been successfully keeping at bay all morning would finally break free. It took a few minutes before she could control her voice enough to answer. “I think that’s a great idea.”

“Let’s start now!” Stephanie suggested.

“Wait!” Dorothea started to hand the instruction manual to Jon, then thought better of it and gave it to Stephanie. “You read up on how to work it while I go have a shower. No one’s taking any pictures of me looking like this!”

Her escape successful, Dorothea slowly climbed the stairs. It wasn’t until she was standing under the hot spray of the shower that she let go of her control and let the tears flow.

She loved Jon’s thoughtfulness with the camera, but the reason – or at least part of the reason – behind it threatened to shatter her heart. It was to preserve memories not just for her for whatever time she might have left, but even more so for her children. If the worst happened they would have some way to remember her – or at least what she looked like.

The thought of not being there to watch her children grow up, graduate, get married, have children of their own took the strength from her legs and she had to lean against the tile to stay upright. Who would look after them if she wasn’t around? Who would teach them and guide them? Who would tend their hurts – physical and emotional? Who would share the joy of their accomplishments and the sorrows of their defeats? Sure, Jon would be there, but who would give them a mother’s touch and caring and....love? If not her, who?

If it turned out her time was limited she had to find a way to ensure that her children would be cared for properly....and that her memory would live on. But how? There had to be a way.....there was a way....and she would find it!

Resolved, determined, her goal set, she quickly washed, dressed and rejoined her family to enjoy the rest of the day. She had memories to make.