Chapter 53

Over the next few weeks, Dorothea's health deteriorated steadily and rapidly. Her morphine had to be increased more and more and she slept for greater portions of the day. She decided she wanted stay at home for the duration, surrounded by her family, rather than in a hospital, and Jon agreed. He hired a nurse to come in every few days - more often as she declined.

Brianna offered to take turns sitting with her at night, and while grateful, Jon decided he'd rather have her upstairs in case the kids woke up and needed something. He moved a recliner into the room and slept there. 

Family members came by more and more often, and in the final days Dorothea's sisters and Carol were there pretty much full time. It was always a full house, and there were lots of hands willing to help out as needed. Even so, the days were subdued chaos and more than ever, Brianna savoured the quiet glass of wine in the living room with Jon when everyone had either left or gone to bed. Sometimes they discussed the events of the day, sometimes they just sat in a sad, but comfortable silence.

It was a bright, peaceful morning when Dorothea opened her eyes and knew that it was time. She told Jon she wanted to see everyone individually, starting with her sisters and leaving him and the kids until last.

It was time to say her goodbyes.

When it was Brianna's turn, she tried to evade it by pointing out she wasn't a family member, but Dorothea would have none of that.

"We've been over this before, so save your breath - and mine - and sit down." She had to pause and take several breaths.

Brianna took advantage. "That's exactly what I'm talking about. You should be saving your breath - and your energy - for the kids."

"Don’t mess with the final wishes of a dying woman." Dorothea pointed to the chair pulled up beside the bed. "Park your pretty little butt and listen." Weak or not, her tone indicated she meant business. When Brianna complied, she continued. "I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you've done for me, Jon and especially the kids. I don't know how we would have made it through this without your help. And I know I can count on you the help them through what's coming. Whether you and Jon decide to stay together or not - and I really hope you do, you're perfect for each other - I want you to know that you'll always be an important part of this family. You're caring and considerate with strong morals and values and I know you'll be there to guide my children through life."

She had to swallow and force back tears before she could go on. "I'm confident that I'm leaving them in the very best hands. And that comforts me more than I can say. We are truly blessed to have you in our lives." She reached out to squeeze Brianna's hand. "Take care of yourself. Take care of my family. Above all, be happy. You've earned it and deserve it."

Brianna had no words, so she just leaned over and hugged her friend. "I'll do my best."

Leaving Dorothea's room, Brianna returned to the living room and stood staring out the window at the river. She would have liked to escape either outside or to her room for a few minutes to get her grief under control, but the kids were next and might need her.

Strong hands settled on her shoulders and squeezed. She turned her head to see Tony - who had arrived from Los Angeles a couple days earlier - gazing at her sympathetically. “Hang in there Sunshine, we’ll help each other through this.”

“Sunshine?”

Tony shrugged. “All the women in this family have pet names.” He paused. “Except Mom....well, not one we’d say to her face anyway.”

Managing a weak smile, she leaned back against him and accepted the comfort he offered.

Stephanie sat in the chair by her mother's bed, tears already flowing.

"Dorothea reached for her hand and tugged her onto the bed and held her close. "Sssh, sweetie."

"It's not fair! I don't want to lose you!"

"I know, and I don’t want to go. But life isn't always fair. But we have to accept it and move on to the best of our ability."

"But...how can I...without you?" Stephanie sniffed.

"You are smart and strong, and you'll have the family to lean on when you need to." Dorothea brushed aside a lock of hair and kissed her forehead. "You are my first born, my baby girl and I love you very much. I wish I could see the woman you'll grow up to be. But I know you'll do me proud - whatever you decide to do with your life."

That sat quietly for a few minutes, each of them buried in thoughts of what they were about to lose, tears rolling steadily down their cheeks. Finally, Dorothea dragged in a ragged breath. "I want you.....I need you to help Daddy with the little ones.  Look after each other. Love each other. And know I'll be watching over you always."

"I love you Mama!" Stephanie sobbed.

"I love you too sweetie. So much. Always remember that."

When Stephanie returned to the living room, she glanced around until her gaze found Brianna. Running over to her, she threw herself into Brianna's arms and sobbed.

Brianna held her and let her cry, stroking her hair over and over. Her eyes caught Jon's, but he had to look away. Seeing his child in that much pain was almost more than he could bear. Spinning on his heel, he opened the back door and strode out towards the river.

Jesse walked into his mother's room, dread dragging at every step.

Dorothea patted the bed. "Come here." When he'd settled on the bed beside her, she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed. "Ah Jesse. I am so proud of you and the man you're becoming. Always remember that and that I love you very much."

Jesse didn't respond.

She pressed a kiss to his head and sighed. "It'll be alright Jess, you'll see."

He just shook his head.

"Yes, it will. You're strong and you've got lots of people who love you surrounding you to help you throughout the bad times." She squeezed him. "This isn't what I want either Jess, but we don't have any choice. Sometimes that happens in life. All we can do is accept it, and find a way to move on."

She could feel his thin body shaking and gripped his chin to turn his face to hers. "It's okay to ask for help when you need it - despite what your father thinks - and it's okay to cry. Sometimes it's the only thing that will make you feel better."

They cried together.

When Jesse returned to the living room, his grandmother reached out a comforting arm, but he shrugged it off and left out the back door, where he stomped to the bench by the river and sat next to his father. Those inside kept a close eye on the two males, but left them alone to grieve.

When Jake was ushered into his mother's room, he frowned. "Why is eveyone so sad?" He and Romeo had been kept occupied in another part of the house, sheltered from the sad happenings that the others were going through.

"Climb up here for a minute buddy." Dorothea patted the bed. When he'd settled, she took a deep breath and tried to explain. "Because I have to go away."

He frowned. "Why? Where you going?"

"The doctors can't make me better, so I'm going to have to go to heaven."

"To be with Jesus?"

She nodded. "Yes."

He thought about that for a moment. "When you tomin back?"

Tears closed her throat and she struggled to speak. “Aww, bud, I can't come back. I wish I could."

"But.....when I see you?"

"You won't be able to see me, but you’ll have lots of pictures to look at to remember me. Remember those pretty books that Brianna has been making for you? But even though we can’t see each other I'll be watching over you from heaven."

"But......Who take care of me? Clean my boogies when my nose get all stuffy?"

"Daddy and Grandma and Grandpa and all your aunts and uncles, and Stephie."

"And Bianna?"

"And Brianna." She agreed. If your daddy is as smart as I think he is.

He considered that for a few minutes, then came to a decision. "I no want you to go to heaven."

"I don't want to go either, buddy, but I have to."

"Why?"

Dorothea couldn't explain it and she finally just hugged him close. "Always remember that I love you very much."

"I love you too Mommy."

She was almost relieved when Carol came in and took him back to play with his toys.

Romeo was both the easiest and the hardest for her to say goodbye to. She didn't have to try to explain to him what was happening - he was too little to understand. That was the easy part. She would never get even a glimpse of the person he would become. That was the hard part. He was also the one most likely to forget her first. That broke her heart.

She played with him and held him until her energy deserted her. When Carol came in to take Romeo, she forced a smile. “Kisses.”

Following their ritual, Romeo put a hand to his mouth and threw it towards her, throwing her kisses.

Grief and regret threatened to overwhelm her, but she fought it back and soon dozed off. When she opened her eyes, she found Jon sitting in the chair beside the bed. 

He smiled weakly. "Guess I'm the only one left." One hand rose to smooth her hair back from her forehead. "You don't need to say anything. We each know how the other feels." His jaw clenched. "And I won't say goodbye."

"You have to. Jon, for your sake as well as the kids' you have to." She gripped his hand. "You've been the love of my life since the day you took the seat beside me in history class."

"Liar. You thought I was I was an arrogant, self-centred, lazy wannabe who thought school was a huge waste of his time and who was never going to amount to anything."

A slow smile curved her lips. "But you were cute - especially when you took off those damn sunglasses and I could see your eyes. Why do you think I let you copy off of me?"

Jon snorted. "So shallow."

Dorothea's chuckle faded into a sigh. "We've had a good run. We made it despite your crazy lifestyle and. We have four beautiful children. We couldn't have asked for more."

"Except for more time."

She couldn't argue that point. "All the more reason to be thankful for what we've had. Not many people achieve that in 60 years, let alone twenty- five." She squeezed his hand. "And I wouldn't have had it any other way. Thank you."

"I didn't do much. You are the one who kept everything together." His eyes filled. "We....I would be nothing without you. I....I'm not sure I can do it alone."

"You won't be alone. The families will be there to help you. And you have Brianna."

"Stop it Dot." He sat back in the chair, his lips pressed into a thin line.

 She looked at his face. "Whatever happens between you and Brianna, she'll be a big help with the kids." She sighed. "But whether it's Brianna or someone else, I want you to love again, get married again. Not just for the kids, but for you." She fought back tears. "I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be alone."

"Dot..."

"No Jon, I mean it." She paused, waiting for a wave of pain to pass. "Don't wait a long time and don't feel guilty. It's what I want for you."

Even though she was trying to hide it, he had been watching her closely and had seen the signs of pain throughout their conversation: the slight stiffening of her body, clenching of her hands, flinching of her eyelids. He would give anything if he could bear the pain for her. But he couldn't. He could however help relieve it.

He reached for the button on the morphine pump beside the bed and raised a brow at her. She grimaced, but nodded. Within minutes she was asleep.

Jon stood and stretched, raked a hand through his hair and headed out to the living room for a break. He'd hardly sat down when Brianna entered and handed him a glass of wine.

"Thanks."

She just nodded and sat in her usual chair.

"Kids go to bed okay?"

"Yes." She didn't mention that she'd heard Stephanie crying. His load was heavy enough.

They sat in silence, comfortable in each other's company.

Dorothea didn't speak again, in fact, barely regained consciousness over the next few days, her sleep often morphine induced as her pain level increased.

Jon rarely left her side. Brianna - and various family members - kept the kids occupied, and left him alone, staying in the background, ready to step in if needed.

It was a sunny late September afternoon, when Dorothea opened her eyes. "Jon."

It was barely above a whisper, but he heard her. "I'm here Dotty."

She swallowed. "Hold me."

Climbing on the bed he took her in his arms.

"Promise me you'll move on."

"Dotty..." He didn't want to talk about it. Couldn't bring himself to even think about it.

She squeezed his arm and his stomach clenched at her lack of strength. "Promise me!"

"I promise." He placated her.

Half an hour later, still wrapped in his arms, at peace knowing she'd done all she could to ensure her family was cared for, she drew her last breath and let go.