Chapter 116

"Jon, what are you doing?" Carol asked from the doorway of the kitchen where she'd stayed out of the way, but had heard the whole conversation. "I thought you loved her."

"I do."

"Well, you couldn't have hurt her any more if you'd picked up a stick and beat her." She sighed and sat down. "Honey.....I don't think you're ready to get married again."

Jon sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. "Why do you say that?"

"For starters, you just told Brianna that you'll never be over Dot. I'd say that was a pretty big clue."

"How do you get over the love of your life? The person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with?" He shook his head. "But that has nothing to do with my feelings for Bri."

"It does if you're continually comparing her to Dot...and finding her wanting. Don't ask her to live in Dot's shadow Jon, that's not fair." She frowned. "I thought you had this all settled in your mind before you proposed."

"I did."

"Then what happened?"

"I'm not sure. Hearing Romeo call her mom..." He grimaced.

"Felt wrong and disrespectful of Dot?"

He shook his head. "No." He sighed. "It felt right and that felt disrespectful of Dot."

"So you lashed out at Brianna out of guilt." Carol nodded in understanding. "But Jon....you have to realize that Brianna is going to be the only mother Romeo will remember. Brianna will do her best to remind him of Dot with the books and recordings, but he's just too young."

"I know."

"Do you think she'll be a good mother?"

"Yes. She's an excellent mother."

Carol picked up the ring and held it out to him. "Then go find her and apologize. Explain to her what's in your head and your heart.....and hope she forgives you."

Jon took the ring and stood up. "Tell me, oh wise one, any idea where I can find her? She could be anywhere between here and the city."

"Follow your heart."

"Gee, thanks. That's helpful." Jon responded dryly.

Opening the front door, Jon stepped into a full blown storm. The rain pelted down and the wind pushed it in all directions. By the time he got to his car, his shirt was already soaked.

No way she would try driving far in this. Where are you Golden Eyes?

He drove slowly around the neighbourhood, then followed an impulse and headed for the shore. Twenty minutes later, he was ready to give up and go home, hoping she'd come back when she calmed down, when he spotted her car in a lot that had access to the beach.

A quick look inside told him she wasn't waiting out the storm in the car's protection. A hand on the hood told him the car had been there awhile - it was cold. He glanced around, but could barely see three feet in front of him in the teeming rain and the rapidly diminishing light. Sand shifted under his feet as he walked towards the water, looking up and down the beach.

He couldn't see anything and was turning to go back to the car when the wind shifted and he finally spotted her. She was sitting on the sand facing the water, curled over her bent knees. As he walked towards her, he tried to plan what he was going to say.

He still hadn't figured it out when he reached her.

Brianna didn't look up when he sat down beside her. 

When she'd left the house, she didn't know where to go. She just had to get away. The storm made driving next to impossible even without tears blurring her vision. The sane part of her brain convinced her to pull over before she crashed. The car felt suffocating and she had to get out, despite the weather.

The rain suited her mood. Her whole world was crashing down around her. She didn't even feel the cold, didn't notice the wind. She felt.....numb. So she sat and stared at the ocean and tried to figure out how her life had gone from sugar to shit in the blink of an eye.

And the worst part was, she had no idea what she'd done wrong. She'd done everything she could for Jon and his family. To care for them, love them to the best of her ability. But it wasn't enough. As Jon said, she wasn't Dot and she never would be.

Face it Brianna, your best just isn't good enough. Just like Alex told you. You always knew, deep down, right from the start that Jon didn't love you. He chose you because it was what Dorothea wanted, but when it came right down to it, he couldn't go through with it.

But she'd taken a chance, and now she'd lost.....everything. She didn't even have a place to live. And she didn't know if she was angrier at Jon or herself.

Tears of grief and frustration overwhelmed her and she let them flow. When they subsided, she gave herself a mental shake and a lecture. Enough with the pity party Brianna! You're stronger than that! You've come so far.....stood on your own.....proved your worth. Don't let yourself be dragged back down again. If he wants to relegate you to a glorified nanny and housekeeper walk away. You want more than that. You're capable of so much more than that! You can start over again. Maybe move. Maybe L.A. Richie would put you up until you got settled. Leaving the kids - and Jon - would tear a hole in her heart, but she would survive. She'd rather live with a broken heart than have her soul wither and die.

"I know that a lot of people find the sound of the ocean soothing, but I don't think they meant in the middle of a torrential downpour." Jon quipped.

Brianna just shrugged.

"Okay, that was a bad attempt at humour in a situation that isn't funny." He acknowledged. "I'm sorry Golden Eyes. I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that. You haven't done anything wrong." He reached out to catch a lock of hair the wind had pulled out of her twist and tucked it behind her ear. "When Romeo called you momma, it startled me. It upset me - but not for the reason you think."

Brianna watched the muscle in his jaw twitch, but stayed silent.

"It startled me because it reminded me that you're not their mother. And the fact that I had to be reminded upset me. It felt disrespectful to Dot. I felt guilty and lashed out at you. That was wrong. You have been wonderfully loving and supportive to me and the kids. We never would have made it through losing Dot without you.  I can't thank you enough for that."

Brianna stiffened. "I don't want your gratitude!"

"I know, but you've got it anyway. Deal with it."

Amber eyes glittered.

He grinned and held his hands up defensively. "Don't bite me!" He shivered. "It's freezing out here. Can we go home and talk about this?"

She looked out at the frothing water again and ignored the question. "You were right about one thing Jon. I'm not Dot and I never will be. If that's what you're looking for, you and I will never work."

"I know, and I'm not. I told you the truth when I said I will always love Dot. But she's gone and there's nothing I can do to bring her back. The best way I can honour her is to do as she wanted - to love again and move on with my life. That's what I'm doing."

She gathered her courage. "By marrying the woman she chose for you."

His eyes narrowed as he considered her words - and the meaning behind them. "Is that what you think I'm doing? That I'm marrying you because it's what Dot wanted?"

Brianna shrugged. "Aren't you?"

"No! You can't seriously think that! Bri...honey, I love you. Not just for what you've done for my family, but for the woman that you are. You're smart and caring and considerate. I'm marrying you, not because it's what Dot wanted, but because it's what I want. You make the perfect partner for me. Personally and professionally."

"Really? You really believe that?"

"Of course. I wouldn't have proposed otherwise."

"Then why are you taking my job away? You know how much it means to me, how much I need to have my professional skills acknowledged and appreciated. To be thought of as more than just a homemaker and hostess." Tears stung her eyes again, but she blinked them away, determined to retain control.

"I know, and I do. I'm not taking your job away." He assured her.

"Oh?" Brianna lifted a skeptical brow. "When Amanda was hired, she was to take care of the correspondence and a little scheduling. Now she' doing the correspondence, ninety percent of the scheduling and the tour!"

"Yes, but with the wedding...."

"And what am I supposed to do after the wedding? Sit around and twiddle my thumbs while you take her around the world?" She sighed. "I loved being on tour." At least the parts that didn't involve dealing with Dorothea's illness.

Jon snorted. "Which part? Living out of a suitcase, changing cities everyday, always on the lookout for Tico's pranks, dealing with Lemma and Richie's antics on a daily basis?"

She nodded, her expression glowing with her memories. "Watching you on stage, in your element, the crowd responding to your smallest gesture, the electricity in the air, hearing the songs we all love played live - and singing along."

He'd forgotten she was a fan long before he met her. And he truly hadn't appreciated how much she enjoyed being involved in that part of his life. "Let's put our heads together. Between the two of us we should be able to come up with a compromise."

"You mean it?"

"Of course. My intention was never to cut you out of my professional life. I honestly was only trying to lighten your load." He lifted one hand to cup her chin and turn her face up to his. "I love you Bri. You. Not some Dot clone. Not her hand picked replacement. You."

Eyes shining - this time with happy tears - Bri smiled. "I love you too."

Jon leaned in to kiss her and was shocked at the coldness of her lips. The coolness of the skin under his fingers and the trembling of her body registered next. "You're freezing! Let's go home."

She took the hand he held out to her and let him pull her to her feet.....and didn't let go until they reached the parking lot.

Jon frowned at her car. "Leave yours here. We'll get it in the morning."

Brianna shook her head. "I can drive." Seeing his expression turn mutinous, she fought back a grin. He looked so much like Jake. And she handled him the same way - distraction. She stepped closer to murmur in his ear. "Then we can......relax.....tomorrow."

Hoping her idea of relaxing was the same as his, he grudgingly gave in. But he followed close behind to make sure she didn't run into any problems.

Even with the car's heater blowing full blast all the way home, Brianna was still shivering when she drove through the gates and parked. Jon joined her before she was halfway to the door, and rushed her inside.

"Go have a hot shower." He nudged her towards the stairs. When she resisted, he pushed harder. "Don't argue with me. You're chilled to the bone. Go."

"Yes boss!" She saluted him.

"Brat." He made sure she was going before he headed for the living room to let his mother and the kids know they were back.

"Jon! You're soaking wet!" Carol exclaimed.

"Well, yeah, in case you having noticed, it's storming."

"Don't sass your mother. Get in a hot shower right now."

What a great idea. "Yes ma'am!"

Brianna stood under the hot spray and focused on absorbing the warmth. She hoped Jon meant what he said. She didn't like being torn between the family she loved and what she knew she needed for herself. Determined to think positive and have faith in him, she resolved to find a compromise they could both live with.....as soon as she got warm.

The shower door opening and letting in a gust of cool air didn't help. "Hey!"

"Sorry." Jon stepped in and quickly shut the door. "God that feels good."

"Stop trying to steal my hot water!" She tried to push him aside. "Can't you wait until I'm done?"

"Nope. I'm freezing." He considered her for a moment. "I could come up with an incentive to share."

"Oh? I don't know. This feels pretty good."

"So will this." He reached for the shampoo.

As his fingers worked lather through her hair and massaged her scalp, she closed her eyes and groaned. "Mmmm. Okay, you're right. That feels even better."

"Told ya." He grinned.

When she stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel, Brianna noticed her engagement ring on the counter.  Her happy, relaxed mood faded. She had a decision to make. Did she follow her head and walk away...maybe start fresh somewhere else? Or did she follow her heart and trust that he was being honest with her...and himself?

Jon stepped up beside her,  reached for her left hand and slid her ring back onto her finger. "Don't take it off again."

One delicate brow arched and she searched his eyes. "Don't give me reason to." And don't make me regret this decision.

He sighed. "Agreed."