Chapter 62

Over the next weeks and months, Brianna thought back on that night often, speculating on what might have happened if he hadn't passed out.....or whether it would have happened at all if he'd been sober. 

She was driving herself insane, alternating between regret at what didn't happen and relief that it didn't, followed by guilt and self-recrimination. The jumble of emotions was tearing her apart.

Her parents were right about one thing: she needed to figure out what kind of relationship she wanted with Jon. She loved the job. The music she loved so much, travelling all over the world, helping develop programs to help the less fortunate....and the challenge of keeping Jon organized and on schedule.

But she'd also grown to love his family, and being a part of it. She loved seeing their faces light up when she walked in. She loved being the one the kids came to for comfort and support. Most of all, she loved that she was able to help them. It made her feel needed and useful. Made her feel.....loved.

It was the one thing missing from her life. The one thing she'd regretted in her life - particularly in her marriage- was not having children to love and nurture and enjoy. Alex had always said he wasn't ready and that he wanted to enjoy their time alone for awhile first. Now she knew he just didn't want kids - at least not with her. She didn't know if she would make a good mother, but she knew she wanted to try. Her age had become an obstacle to that dream coming true. But here was an opportunity, maybe, to rectify that. 

Jon, however, was a different kettle of fish entirely. Her feelings for him were not nearly so clear cut and simple. She admired and respected him as a musician, performer, businessman and philanthropist. She felt sympathy for the man who recently lost his wife and suddenly found himself a single parent to four children.

On a more personal level, she'd felt a connection to him right from the first time she'd met him - before that actually if you counted her reaction on an instinctive level to his music. With her own observations added to Dot's insights and instructions, she felt like she knew him inside and out.

And she liked what she saw.

He was gorgeous and talented.....and could have pretty much any woman he wanted. So why would he choose her when he could find someone prettier, smarter, funnier, more worthy of him? The most obvious answer was because Dot wanted him to.

And that was her stumbling block. She was afraid that she could fall in love with him very easily, but she might never know if he truly loved her or if he was just fulfilling his wife's last request. She wasn't sure she could put her heart on the line like that, even for the best sex of her life.

Her dream ever since she was a little girl was to have a job that fulfilled her and a husband and children to love. Up until now she'd had to settle for one out of three. She needed to decide what she was willing to risk to get the other two.

Of course, all of her stressing and debating could very well be all be for nothing. She'd seen no sign that he saw her as anything more than an employee and occasional bedmate when his need got too strong. That might be because he really wasn't interested in her, or because he just wasn't ready to move on yet. It could be years before he was ready.

The question was: did she want to put her life on hold in the hopes that when he was ready he'd choose her? Or should she take the safer route and continue her search for someone to share her life with?

Jon was in a similar predicament, but like most men, he didn't spend time analyzing his feelings. All he knew was that he was lonely and miserable and he needed to do something about it. As much as he loved his kids, he needed some time away from them with adult company.

The single mothers of the kids' schoolmates, as well as a few of the teachers had made it clear they were available if he was ready to start dating again. He'd talked to some of them, even gone as far as having coffee with a few, but nothing came of it. He just didn't feel a...connection....with any of them. Something was always off. This one was too shallow, that one was too intellectual. Too tall, too short, too young, too old, talked too much, didn't talk enough, only talked about herself, only talked about him, nothing in common......there was always something just not right. 

He'd even tried a couple....accommodating....ladies to see if his problem was just pent ip lust, but it didn't help.

Maybe he needed to widen the search area....but he didn't have the energy. Maybe he just wasn't ready yet.

The day of Stephanie's birthday party was warm and sunny. She'd decided she was too old for a theme party, so tables were set up outside with a few streamers and balloons.

As family and friends gathered, Jon sat at a table and let his family run the show. Scanning the crowd, he took note of where his children were: Romeo and Jake were on the swings with Dorothea's sisters, Stephanie was at another table with some friends, and Jesse was running across the lawn.

While Jon watched, Jesse turned and caught the football that flew to him. A second later, Colton came into view and caught the ball that Jesse threw back at him. Glancing back to the table of girls, Jon saw that Gabrielle had joined them. He didn't bother looking around for their father, he knew David would find him.

His brother found him first. 

"Hey man." Tony took the seat beside him. "How ya holding up?"

Jon shrugged. "Fine."

"Liar." David accused as he sat down. He turned to Tony. "He's lonely."

Tony gestured to the crowd gathered and raised a brow.

"For female companionship." David clarified.

"Ah. Need to get laid?" Tony asked sympathetically.

Jon shook his head.

"Are you sure?" David smirked.

"Tried it. Didn't work." Jon grimaced.

"Ah." Tony said again, understanding what his brother was looking for without him having to try to explain it. He glanced around. "Where's Sunshine?"

David grinned.

Jon ignored him. "Not here yet."

"Is she coming?"

"Supposed to be. She was invited. Told Steph she'd come."

"Then she'll be here." Tony assured him. "She would never let any of you down."

Before Jon could answer, Jake's voice rang out. "BIANNA!"

They all turned to see Brianna hugging Jake with one hand, a brightly wrapped gift in the other.

David nudged Tony and gestured towards Jon. Tony studied his brother's face and grinned. "And here's the answer you've been looking for bro." At Jon's dark look, he grinned. "Don't look at me like that. You came to point like a bird dog when you saw her."

"She's my assistant. Nothing more."

"I'm thinking you need to expand her job description. Put more emphasis on 'personal'." Tony advised. "She's perfect for you."

"That's what I've been trying to tell him." David agreed.

With a growl, Jon stood and headed for the bar.

"Think we're getting through to him?" Tony asked David.

"We're pissing him off, so at least he's hearing us." David considered his friend. "He's got to get over his guilt first though. Both over a sense of betrayal to Dot, and over choosing Brianna for himself and not just because Dot wanted him to."

Tony sighed. "Isn't going to be easy."

"Nope."

"How are you doing Jon?" Linda asked as she stepped up beside him. Together they watched Stephanie open her presents.

"I'm fine."

"Uh huh." Her disbelief was clear. "The kids seem to be doing well."

He nodded. "They still have some bad days, but they're coping."

Opening a present, Stephanie stood to hug Brianna. "Thank you! I love it!"

"She's really been a rock for them." Linda noted.

Jon didn't pretend not to know who she was talking about. "Uh huh."

"It's okay to move on you know. Dot would want you to. She was very clear about that." When he just grunted, she smiled sadly and rubbed his back. "We all miss her, but it's been over eight months. We can't wallow in grief forever. Her greatest wish was for you and the kids to be happy. You know even better than I do what lengths she went to, to try and make that happen." Both of their gazes locked on Brianna. "It's not a betrayal to Dot to find happiness again. It's a betrayal to her not to." She patted his back and walked away.

Several hours later, the backyard and house cleaned up, everyone had left except Brianna who was reading Romeo and Jake their bedtime story. When she came downstairs, she found Jon in the living room, staring out the window.

"The little ones are asleep, and Steph and Jesse are in their rooms."

"Thanks." He turned and frowned at the purse in her hand. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah."

He hesitated, but everyone around him was pushing him in her direction. Maybe they were right. "Why don't you stay the night?"

"Was there something else you wanted me to do?"

Yes, me! He shook his head. "No, but it's getting late to be driving back to the city."

"It's not that late. I'll be home before the news."

"Bri..." He raked a hand through his hair. It had been about thirty years since he'd dated. He had no clue what he was doing. "I'd feel better if you stayed. I don't like the idea of you driving that far alone after dark."

She would have argued that it was only an hour or so, not that far, but something in his eyes told her this wasn't about his over active protectiveness. It was something more. Setting aside her purse she took a seat on the couch. "Okay."

Jon stepped into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of wine and two glasses. Sitting beside her, he poured a glass and handed it to her.

"Thanks."

The conversation covered a range of subjects, from the Soul to charity projects to music, books and movies. The longer they talked the more relaxed Jon became. This is what was missing with those other women. He was comfortable with Brianna. They could talk about anything. Even when she disagreed with him - which happened more than occasionally - he found the discussion stimulating more than irritating.

Brianna leaned her head against the back of the couch and looked at him. "Would you do something for me?"

"What?"

"Get your guitar and play me some of the stuff you've been working on?"

"Really? Sure." Returning with his Takamine, he settled it on his lap and strummed a few chords. "I should warn you, it's pretty rough."

She closed her eyes to listen and felt the impact of lyrics and melody in her gut as well as her heart and mind. The songs were expressions of his grief and sense of loss. But they also spoke of hope and a yearning to find love and happiness again. When the last note faded, she opened shining eyes to look at him. "Beautiful."

Jon set aside the guitar and reached out to tuck a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Yes."

They both knew he wasn't talking about the music.

"Jon...." She didn't know how to react.

"Mmmmm?" He leaned over to brush his lips over her ear and nuzzled her neck.

Her hands came up to brace on his chest, fingers curling into his shirt as shivers ran up and down her spine. "What.....what are you doing?"

"Isn't it obvious?" His hands cupped her shoulders and slid down her arms, urging her closer.

"But..." She shivered again before pushing him back. "Why?" She searched his eyes. "What is this? True desire or just needing a warm body to scratch an itch and drive away the loneliness for a little while?"

Jon frowned. "It can be whatever we want it to be."

"What do you want it to be?"

"Why do we have to label it? Why can't we just enjoy ourselves and see where it goes?" He disliked being cornered.

"If I'm going to put myself - and my heart - on the line, I need to know where your head’s at. What you're looking for." In that moment all of her indecision disappeared and she knew what she wanted. "If you're really ready for a relationship that's one thing. I'm willing to do a lot of things to help you and give you what you need." She took a deep breath. "But I won't be your whore."